


Lost Memories

by Janettelle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fanfiction, Female Reader, Headcanon, High School, POV Female Character, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Reader-Insert, Tragedy Porn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26230162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janettelle/pseuds/Janettelle
Summary: You wake up in a hospital bed, the side of your head throbbing. A doctor greets you, says that you survived a car accident a few days ago. He lets your family into the room, who are all half-crying, half-cheering because you're finally awake. You notice a boy standing behind them, holding flowers and smiling at you. Someone says he's your boyfriend from high school.But you don't remember him at all.orA series of headcanons/fics about Haikyuu characters if their significant other (you) suffered brain trauma a la The Vow.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Original Female Character(s), Akaashi Keiji/Reader, Oikawa Tooru/Fem Reader, Oikawa Tooru/Original Female Character(s), Oikawa Tooru/Reader, Tsukishima Kei/Fem Reader, Tsukishima Kei/Original Female Character(s), Tsukishima Kei/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 66





	1. Tsukishima Kei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this idea for a while, inspired by a lot of head canons I read on tumblr, but decided to write this as a one shot instead of a full fic because I was upset yesterday and needed to vent my frustrations somewhere so tada.
> 
> It's a lot longer than most head canons I read though so maybe it's a more fic than head canon? idk I just used to think wanting to put my favourite characters in tragic situations is a weird kink to have but here we are. how the turn tables.
> 
> started with Tsukishima because he is my ultimate favourite baby.

Tsukishima will be at the back of the room, small smile fading as you blink at him and ask who he is. He stares at you in confusion as the doctor and your family begin asking questions to check the state of your memory. The last thing you remember is being accepted into Karasuno High, but your parents tell you that you're already a third year there. As you struggle to accept that you have lost two year's worth of your memories, Tsukishima tightens his grip on the bouquet he brought and you notice his eyes widening. After the doctor leaves, he passes the flowers to your parents and tells them maybe he will visit later. He never does.

Instead, your mother says he calls her sometimes, asking for updates on your condition. Instead, you are occasionally sent bentos with steamed salmon and miso soup, but the nurse says the person who dropped them off would not leave a name. Instead, friends from school come to visit you, and many of them ask why Tsukishima isn't there.

After you are discharged from the hospital, you discover things in your room you don't recall possessing: an oversized black jacket with _Karasuno Volleyball Team_ emblazoned on the back, a soft toy in the shape of a strawberry, and neatly handwritten notes bearing insults ranging from _pipsqueak_ to _dumb idiot,_ all carefully stuck on your vanity mirror alongside a couple of polaroids of Tsukishima. He looks surprised or mildly irritated in them.

Tsukishima drops by your house with fruit and speaks to your parents, but leaves before you come down the stairs. When you check your phone, you see nearly thirty missed calls on the day of your accident from a contact you've titled _Kei_ _♡_ _._ You assume it's Tsukishima because soon there is a new message from him, saying _eat the fruits, sleep early_.

When you return to school, Yachi Hitoka, with whom you are apparently good friends with, gets overly anxious when she realises you still haven't recovered your memories and invites you to watch the Karasuno volleyball team practice sometime. When you ask why, she looks both surprised and worried:

“Because you always come to wait for Tsukishima.”

In your classroom, you realise you are sitting at the back in between Tsukishima and his friend, Yamaguchi, who visited you the most in the hospital. The latter is friendly throughout the day, just like all your classmates, but Tsukishima barely acknowledges you. You fail in your attempts to talk to him during lunch, but before classes begin he places a box of soy milk from the vending machine on your table just as you are discovering your thirst. You look at his slender fingers and wonder what it would be like to touch them.

During class he stares straight ahead at the blackboard, but whenever you need something like a pencil or a spare notebook, he always seems prepared and slides it on your table before you can turn to Yamaguchi for help. You whisper a polite thank you each time, but this seems to annoy him even more, as if he expected some other response. At the end of the day, he dumps a few notebooks on your table and walks out before you can say anything. Yamaguchi has a sad smile on his face when he explains:

“Those are notes from all the classes you missed since your accident.”

At home, you read the neat handwriting you recognise from your polaroids. Some notebooks have messy scribblings in the corner, and you recognise your own scrawling alternating with Tsukishima's tidy one:

_Don't look so smug, idiot._

> _I knew you couldn't understand this._

_I understood this okay!!_

> _Without my help?_

_I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR HELP._

You feel restless when you cannot recall these penciled conversations, even though you wrote them. It is the same when you scroll through old text messages, reading your enthusiastic replies of _HAHAHA OKAY FINE XD_ _good night Kei c u tmr <3_ after Tsukishima's curt _don't stay up late_. You wonder what you saw beyond the coldness he exuded in the day.

You remember Yamaguchi told you on his first visit to the hospital that you have been sitting beside Tsukishima's desk since the start of second year, and that you badgered him all day. When you asked how and when the two of you started dating however, he didn't have an answer. Yamaguchi never bothered enquiring after Tsukishima hinted that he wanted to keep it private. But he guesses from Tsukishima's personality that you initiated everything. One day you both turned up at school holding hands, and you were beaming from ear to ear as Tsukishima blushed the entire day.

The next day, you head to the gym after school to watch the volleyball practice. Tsukishima doesn't even talk to you, but you get distracted by his long legs half exposed by his sport shorts. You find yourself thinking if you had sat on them.

When the coach orders the club to split into two groups for a short practice match, you are not just awed by Tsukishima but by everyone, jumping and moving so quickly. Yachi asks quietly if you really don't remember the first time you watched the volleyball team play. You shake your head no, and find your inner self shocked that you could forget the grace and agility currently on display. When you see what Yachi calls the 'freaky quick attack', you yell out with excitement, drawing eyes from everyone. The coach gives you a side eye, but chuckles and tells everyone to continue.

“Don't worry, you do that all the time.”

You feel slightly better, knowing even without your memories you seem to be the same person. But when you spot Tsukishima looking at you, he seems upset. He is the first to leave once the practice ends, and does not text you that evening.

You ask Yamaguchi why Tsukishima is avoiding to you when he is supposed to be your boyfriend. You question if maybe he has stopped caring (the prospect of which makes you feel slightly affronted). The boy stammers, apologising on his friend's behalf, but assures you that Tsukishima cares even if he didn't show it. He provides evidence that Tsukishima visited you almost every day in the hospital – he just never walked into the ward.

The next week, Tsukishima does not look at you, but once again he is always there: a textbook when you can't find yoursunder your table, a water bottle because you had forgotten to bring one. You ask him how he seems to predict your movements even before you are aware of it, but he shows an offended look and sulks without answering.

When you have lunch with some of the girls in your class, they try to remind you of class events, like the last cultural festival when your class decided to be a magical library. You dressed up as a fairy with the girls and the boys dressed up as books – Yamaguchi was a cook book and Tsukishima was a dictionary. You can't help but giggle at the image of their faces sticking out of a cardboard box. When they ask if you can remember Tsukishima blushing when they forced the two of you to take a picture, you feel your heart drop as you tell them no.

But you are starting to feel okay with everyone even if you cannot remember your memories with them. Besides Tsukishima, it did not seem pivotal for most of your friendships, like the one you have with Hinata Shoyo. At the first volleyball practice, he was loudly asking if you were okay, loudly whining when you said you couldn't remember him, and loudly proclaiming that you would after you attended more volleyball trainings. You enjoy his energy, and feel energised whenever he comes by your classroom to share something new with you.

Tsukishima absolutely hates this interaction, you know it by the way he glares at his team mate and puts Hinata down about his height. One day, when he interrupts the two of you laughing, you tell him to stop it, and Tsukishima presses his lips together until they are nearly pale with anger. You defiantly stare back at him, even as your heart races from the sheer prettiness of his face. Hinata tried to calm both of you down, saying he probably shouldn't talk to you since you are Tsukishima's girlfriend. The blonde spits out:

“It doesn't matter anyway. She probably doesn't even want to remember.”

You wonder how is it possible to feel heart broken by someone you're not even sure you love.

That evening as you are leaving the school, you hear Yamaguchi's voice coming from another corridor.

“It's not her fault she can't remember, Tsukki.”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“You're being uncool again!”

There is the sound of someone mumbling in a low voice, to which Yamaguchi enquires until Tsukishima explodes:

“I said, what do you want me to do if she doesn't even like me anymore!”

“Of course, she still likes yo-”

“SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER THAT!”

You blink in shock when Tsukishima suddenly brushes by you. He sees you and for a second before he walks off, you think he looks broken. Yamaguchi apologises, promising again that his friend cares but he protects himself by seeming harsh.

“He doesn't like to put his heart out there, you know?”

Over the weekend, you find out from your parents that Tsukishima lives just down the road from you. You try to visit him, but he is not home. After some usual fussing about your health and well wishes, his mother encourages you to wait for him in his room since he would be returning from practice soon. When you protest about imposing on her, she laughs gently and says:

“You've always been welcome at our home ever since you got Kei out of his shell.”

When Tsukishima opens the door and sees you on his bed, you can tell it is an unpleasant shock to his system. He does not say anything mean, though, and instead drops his bag and walks back down the stairs. When he comes back up, he is holding a rice ball and passes one more to you, stating that the inside has steamed salmon. You ask why, and he huffs slightly:

“You like salmon, don't you? Or have you forgotten that too?”

You should be hurt at his sarcastic remark, but your heart twinges a little as you recall the bentos from the hospital. You hear him grumbling _you're also usually hungry when you get here_ under his breath as you both finish the rice ball.

Finally, you confront him about his avoidance behaviour. Tsukishima does not seem shocked about your directness but uncomfortable, like a child getting lectured by his mother. You get a feeling that you've done this before.

“I'm sorry,” he eventually apologises, the prideful stance he usually embodies in school seeping away. You have a instinctive urge to hang on to his lanky shoulders. He doesn't turn his head, but glances at you as he confesses:

“You've always been the first to do things. You stubbornly stuck to me even when I tried to push you away. I don't know how to make you remember me when all the things we did together... they were always your ideas, and I just followed along.”

You are hit with the realisation that he has not been avoiding you but _waiting_ for you, because he wasn't someone who initiated things. Tsukishima plays with his fingers and without thinking, you reach out to hold his hands. It feels like the most natural, intimate thing to do, even though you've been questioning all week whether or not you are his girlfriend, if you even care about him, if you could love him again.

Tsukishima blinks, looking at this act like someone in the desert seeing an oasis for the first time. He raises his head to you, allowing himself to look hopeful and you decide then that even if you weren't his girlfriend, you would protect him at all costs. You think maybe this is why you fell in love with him, with the smallest ripple of emotions hiding the tsunami within: he obviously loves you, he was just so afraid of showing it.

To avoid getting his hopes up though, you tell him that you still can't remember anything, and you can't promise you will, but if he still wants to be your boyfriend, he has to take more initiative to show you. You add softly that you really do want to remember, and that you should be the one more worried that he will not be patient enough to answer all the questions you have.

“I already love you, stupid. Of course I will.”

The room is quiet enough so Tsukishima's whispering is as clear as day.

“So, what do you want to know?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOO my original idea was: "tsukki would be like consistently being around OC and do the small things rather than big events. like pointing out she holds a knife a certain way or she always taps her toes when thinking" and I really wanted more boyfriend-trying-to-make-his-girlfriend-remember shit but then my fingers decided he is an insecure fluff ball and gah I just want to give him a hug.
> 
> I have a small list of characters I want to do this for but if you have a fav character you want me to write go ahead and leave a comment. Thanks for reading!!


	2. Oikawa Tooru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did NOT expect to do Oikawa second but rewatching Season 2 gave me a lot of feels. I'm always left with this fear after writing Haikyuu fics that I'm ruining them but I hope this is okay and you enjoy the pain.

Oikawa will walk up to your bedside with your family, placing his bouquet on the bedside table before clasping one of your hands with both of his. Your family will be noisy as usual, fussing and mock-complaining about all the ways they've been worried, but you cannot focus on their words. The brown haired teenager is smiling at you, whispering softly “thank god” and pressing lips on the back of your wrist with a certainty of one who's done it a thousand times.

Your parents will say _he_ has been really worried, that he only just went home in the morning to take a shower for the first time in a few days. You feel your stomach flip under the gaze of coffee brown eyes.

“Ew, don't tell her that, _okaa-san_! Oikawa is her prince charming, remember?”

You are confused when your younger sister winks at you conspiratorially. You are confused when Oikawa jokingly apologises to your parents for imposing. You are confused when your little brother whines that he wants to hold your hand too and allows Oikawa to ruffle his hair. You know your brother does not let anyone touch his head.

You jerk your fingers out of his grasp, quickly bow your head and ask if Oikawa was the person who brought you to the hospital. The room falls silent at your insinuation.

“Hey, don't scare me, love. Are you saying you don't remember your boyfriend?”

Oikawa's voice is light and teasing, but you can sense his dread as much as your own. The doctor at the back of the room suddenly comes forward and asks what you remember. You tell him the last thing you recall is taking the entrance exam for Aoba Johsai High, but you already get the feeling that that was a while ago. Your father corrects you, saying you graduated from Seijou last week, and the weight of three missing years pounds in your head.

As a flurry of panic courses through the various members of your family, Oikawa remains calm. His hands are dropped,smile on his face disappeared, but he keeps looking at you, as if searching for something in your eyes. You wonder what will happen if he does not find what he is looking for.

In the week before you are discharged from the hospital, Oikawa visits you every day with fresh fruits and optimism. He waits as you undergo test and evaluations, chats with your family when they visit, answers all your questions about your time in Aoba Johsai High.

Oikawa describes how you met because his childhood friend is in your class as your fellow class representative. He points out the text messages you sent that are funny only to him, and numerous photos of the pair of you in his phone. You are usually laughing, half poised to punch his arm in matching white and beige uniforms. He says you were top of the cohort and head of the newspaper council. He was the volleyball team captain and the most popular male student, so together you were the 'flower couple' of Seijou. You supported him in matches, and he gave you interviews that caused the school paper to sell out.

When friends from school come to visit, they corroborate Oikawa's stories, although you are hesitant to believe the words of people you cannot remember.

“He's a volleyball star! You always have a beautiful headshot of him on the front page of the school paper.”

“He asked you out on Valentine's day and you've been dating since second year!”

“He's super romantic, and visits your class every day.”

Everything sounds too fairytale-like and exaggerated for your liking, and your apprehension is obvious. Thankfully, your friends acknowledge your serious, grounded demeanor has always been at odds with the flamboyant Oikawa. This thoughtcomforts you, but also causes you to feel conflicted.

He tells you that it was love at first sight for both of you, and when you question that sentiment, Oikawa puts on an affronted expression and dramatically gestures with a hand gripping his chest.

“Eh?! Why do you doubt me?? Don't you think my handsome face would have swept you off your feet?”

You respond with a pointed 'no', but laugh as he pouts. You grow comfortable with shutting down his diva banter with one-liner retorts, because there is a natural chemistry between you that you accept would have developed into a sincerefriendship. But you cannot rid the nagging sensation that something is missing from the stories about your relationship.

The day you discharge from the hospital, a dark haired boy of about Oikawa's height walks into the ward. He dons the Seijou beige vest and white jacket, and introduces himself as Iwaizumi Hajime, Oikawa's childhood friend and your fellow class rep. There is quiet steadiness about him that you immediately find trustworthy.

“Hey, class rep. You look well.”

He apologises for not visiting earlier, and also excuses the volleyball team as they are wrapping up their year end trainings. You enquire about them and Iwaizumi says you are relatively good friends with everyone, even though you have not seen their last few games. You wonder why Oikawa has not told you this.

Iwaizumi is about to continue speaking when Oikawa appears at the door, looking both surprised and wary at the former's presence. You ask if it is because Oikawa cannot embellish his stories in front of Iwaizumi, who confirms your suspicions with a scoff.

“Probably. Did he insist you fell in love with him at first sight? Trust me, you wanted to punch him the first time you met him.”

When they help you to bring your things to where your family is waiting at reception, your sister cheerfully shouts “Iwaizumi-san!” and there is a light flush on her cheeks. You remind yourself to interrogate her later. You also ask Iwaizumi to meet up again, sensing you will get more realistic answers about your high school life from him than anyone else.

Except Iwaizumi is always with Oikawa, who visits you every day, and frequently interrupts your questions when it borders on exposing his embarrassing side. At least now you know Oikawa had to work hard to gain your respect, after he apparently laughed in your face when you failed a test in your first year. Iwaizumi told him it was from the stress of supporting your family and he tried to make up for it by _offering to go on a date with you_. Oikawa bristles at you and Iwaizumi guffaw at these reminders of his 'disgusting personality', but you feel better knowing a side of him that was less than the princely image your friends painted.

You learn of more memories you're missing: birthdays when Iwaizumi referee ramen eating competitions between you and Oikawa, and emergency sleepovers to stop Oikawa from staying up late analysing volleyball matches. You mention your curiosity in watching them play, and try to ask why Iwaizumi told you that you haven't watched Oikawa's recent games. Both boys look at each other, incredibly uncomfortable, and wordlessly change topics to the latest idol drama gossip.

Your family is delighted with having Oikawa around, claiming this is how it has always been, except for a couple ofmonths prior to the final examinations. You attribute their glee with Oikawa's carefree spirit, since it matches the rest of your extroverted family. His constant presence makes an easy routine to fall into as you both prepare resumes and apply for universities. Though your honest opinion of him whiplashes between dedicated boyfriend and arrogant asshole, you find yourself enjoying the attention and calling him _boyfriend_ in your mind.

“I'll make you remember me, love.”

He calls you _love_ whether you are comfortable or not. He regularly asks you to call him Tooru even though you blush at the idea. Sometimes, he reaches for your face and you flinch naturally, as you would if any stranger suddenly tried to be intimate with you. You quickly say sorry of course, and Oikawa never shows any sign of being hurt. He just drops anobnoxious quip about how you are just overwhelmed by his dashing smile, and it is almost easy to believe your _boyfriend_ has the thickest skin in the world.

You are scribbling down university interview dates and deadlines for portfolio submissions one weekend morning when Oikawa comes over, demanding you spend time with him today. You credit your tireless patience for not being more annoyed and attempt to lecture the best setter in Miyagi Prefecture about being considerate of other people's time. He ignores you and looks over at the names of Japanese schools you've listed on your laptop.

“Where's University of Southern California?”

This makes you pause. You recently found one of your desk drawers had materials solely dedicated to this school, which touts the top journalism course in America. You obviously don't remember how your passion was ignited, but idea made you feel like you were glowing from within. However, even your parents did not know you were dreaming of going overseas (you had asked), so you question how Oikawa knows you were considering the school. He cocks his head to the side, smiling gently:

“That's all you used to talk about in the newspaper council. It was cute.”

You mumble an apology under your breath as he reminds you of how much you still don't remember. Oikawa laughs loudly and says you can make it up to him with a date. You start to protest that this is emotional blackmail, that he hasn't changed in three years, that this is _exactly_ why it's so difficult for you to imagine him as your boyfriend, but he cuts you off by showing a pair of tickets to a museum exhibition in Tokyo dedicated to journalism.

The trip is really fun, although you never admit it to Oikawa's face. He laughs when you are awed by Tokyo's tall buildings and large crowds, and you giggle as he gets shocked by the blaring music played by some street performers.

At the exhibition, you know he is not as interested, but he asks you insightful questions and makes relevant comments about the newspaper articles on display. The conversation flows easily and you wonder if he likes to purposefully hide his intellect. You express your hope that an article you write will be on display in the future, and he makes a snide comment about burning it if it sucks. Suddenly, you don't care about his intellect and pinch the side of his arm until he yelps.

Iwaizumi calls when you are at the train station and Oikawa is purchasing tickets back to Miyagi. He asks if Oikawa is with you and there is an odd sound of relief in his voice when you say he is. He reveals that since the National qualifiers, Oikawa never left Iwaizumi's side until the news of your accident. They had supper the previous night and Oikawa shared that he was having a hard time letting go of Seijou and the volleyball team even though most of their peers were moving on to the next phase of their lives. Today was the first day Oikawa hadn't texted him at all and Iwaizumi was worried.

You suddenly have a thought, and ask if Iwaizumi knows Oikawa's plans for university.

“I think he's going continue volleyball overseas. He mentioned University of Southern California.”

You are at a playground near Aoba Johsai High when you tell Oikawa he cannot see you anymore if he does not start being honest with you. The stupid boy who thinks his fake spectacles make him look good (they do) does a big show of being upset because _of course he has been honest what are you talking about_ until you stare him down with arms crossed. He huffs, sits on a swing and digs his heels into the sand.

Oikawa talks about the months leading up to Nationals. He knows he did not spend enough time with you but you had never voiced any complaints. He starts rambling a little about meeting a junior from high school and getting caught up in his head. He does not look nervous, but you have realised by now he channels uncertainty through sheer stubbornness and wait for him to reach his point.

“Then, you broke up with me, because you didn't want me to choose between you and volleyball.”

This sounds exactly like something you would do, but the news still shocks you a little. You wonder if you were jealous about Oikawa's passion for the sport, or if you simply didn't want to add to your boyfriend's already-full plate. You wonder if it was painful for you to make that decision. Oikawa looks over at you, regret hardening his coffee brown eyes, and you think _of course it was painful_.

He tells you that you didn't want to disappoint your family, or cause trouble for his reputation in school, so no one else knew. You always tried to lay low when watching the volleyball games so only the volleyball team noticed when you stopped attending. He tells you that apparently you did attend the match against Karasuno, and started texting him again that night, but both of you put off dating again with final exams looming. He tells you there were a couple of ramen dinners together, though.

He tells you he hasn't stopped loving you. He swears he is fine if you still don't remember anything and don't want to see him again. He promises he is not trying to influence your feelings with that last bit (you snort). He apologises for not telling you everything.

You realise you were the one that had to leave because of Oikawa's incessant dedication towards anything and everything he cares about: the option of giving you up never even occurred to him since he was committed to being in a relationship with you. You also understand that Oikawa's current devotion to you is not just a reflection of his feelings, but his atonement to the decision you – _he_ – forced yourself to make all those months ago. He's convinced you felt shortchanged by his love for volleyball, and he is trying to make things _right_.

“After Nationals, hearing about your accident... it was like losing everything at once.”

He whispers this so softly you wonder if you really heard it. You want to comfort him, tell him you are still here, but it feels wrong to say this. You do not want to be his girlfriend just because you are pressured by memories and emotions you no longer recall. You want to commit only if your feelings for Oikawa is real, because Oikawa _deserves_ something real.

You remind him that he has not lost volleyball, since he is obviously going to University of Southern California. Iwaizumi said he has a scholarship. He has worked hard for it. He will go far.

“Hard work doesn't give you everything."

And you know he means volleyball. You know he means your memories. You know he means you.

The way he curls his back, grips the chain, and joins his knees together screams of so much anguish that it is all you can do to hold yourself back from flinging off your swing onto his lanky frame. You tell him he will never lose volleyball. You tell him he hasn't lost you either, that if you're not his girlfriend, you are still his friend. You tell him even if hard work doesn't give him everything, he's never going to stop trying, right?

You call him Tooru, and he looks up as you show him your phone. An email was sent earlier today about your successful acceptance into University of Southern California.

Oikawa's eyes light up in a way that reminds you of a warm fireplace bursting alive in the middle of winter. His lips curl and his cheekbones lift and you think how all the awful jokes he's made in the last few weeks are worth just one of this genuine smile.

“You're right, love. I am never going to stop trying.”

Your heart squeezes with an unspoken hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was STUCK for so long wondering how to not make this chapter a freaking novel or something and realised I was just stalling because I did not actually want to write about Oikawa in pain. but at least there's HOPE at the end. <3


	3. Akaashi Keiji

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somehow this became less of a self-insert and more of an OC creation exercise and then it also became an exploration into toxic relationship traits and I've reread so many times I just feel everything and see nothing so maybe someone else should read this and tell me what's happening.

Akaashi will be holding a small bouquet of blue lilacs, which you notice because lilacs are your favourite flowers. Your mother will fuss over you and your father will try to persuade her to do otherwise. The doctor will still be checking your vitals as you stare at the boy with green eyes, who will read your gaze: curious, questioning, then uncertain. His small smile will slowly fall as he turns to the doctor:

“I don’t think she remembers me.”

When you tell them your last memory is performing a piano recital for one of your father’s company events, your mother wails that that was three years ago, before you started studying at Fukurodani High School. Your father harasses the doctor for an explanation, your mother tearfully apologises on your behalf to Akaashi, and the latter looks at you without changing his expression. You drop your head apologetically, but Akaashi simply presses his bouquet into your hands, as if trying to stop the flow of negativity in your brain.

“I know you prefer magenta lilacs, but blue ones represent tranquility, which I think you need right now to get better. I’ll visit tomorrow.”

You nod slowly, not telling him that strangely, you’re looking forward to it. You stare after his back as your mother escorts him out, showering him with praises. Your father huffs and looks away.

Akaashi visits you every day, with snacks and stories and random memorabilia that proves the two of you have been dating for at least a year. On the first day he loans you an album that contains little notes you had written him (you recognise your handwriting) and numerous photos of yourself in the Fukurodani uniform. There are some images which look like they were captured from a mobile phone and are printed on flimsier paper; you realise he had rushed to print it the night before. Akaashi does not look ashamed when you point it out, but fiddles with his fingers when he admits:

“I’m going to do everything I can to help you remember.”

On the third day, Akaashi brings along four girls who claim to be your classmates and closest friends in Fukurodani. A very loud, spiky haired boy tags along too, a graduated senior called Bokuto (you recognise his name in your phone contacts) who scolds himself for not visiting you earlier as your self-proclaimed ‘adopted older brother’. One of the girls tell you she is the volleyball team manager, and explains you met Bokuto and Akaashi through her.

“Maybe you need to watch me play! That will make you recall your memories, and Akaashi!”

You blush, since you still feel bad that you can’t remember anything about your ‘boyfriend’. But Bokuto’s genuine sincerity makes you smile, and when you peek at Akaashi’s face, his look is gentle.

The girls are patient and answer your questions about school life, how your friendships were formed, what funny memories you all shared. The conversation somehow swerves back to Akaashi and a ‘music room incident’. When they start teasing you, Akaashi clears his throat and declares the meeting over, since he does not want to overwhelm you. You tell him it is fine, and there is a moment as the two of you just look at each other and time seems to stop. There is something both invasive and calming about it – as if you are reading each other’s thoughts and subconscious, seeing from the other’s perspective.

“Hey, hey, hey! They’re doing that staring thing again!”

Akaashi breaks eye contact as the girls loudly say that ‘some things haven’t changed’. There is a fluttering sensation inside your chest and you cannot tell if it is pleasant or not.

After a week you are discharged, and your mother reveals that she divorced your father in your first year of high school. You reel from shock, but somehow end up being the one comforting _her_ as she apologises for not telling you sooner. A headache grows as you piece together your observations of them: your mother was there for most of your hospital stay (she goes home to rest when Akaashi visits), but your father only came once, and left after an hour. He arrived when you and Akaashi were watching a movie on his laptop, and you remembered their greetings to each other had sounded stiff.

It is this memory that prompts you to call your ‘boyfriend’ when you’re finally alone in your bedroom. The familiar decor and neat shelves gives you no comfort, but the low timbre of Akaashi’s voice when he picks up on the first ring, as if he was expecting your call, soothes you.

“It was not your fault.”

He repeats that as you ramble incoherently and start to sob. It feels awkward that you are already so comfortable with Akaashi, but you sense a kind of kinship between you, as if you never have to explain your thoughts because he would understand you instantly.

After you stop beating yourself up for being a bad daughter, you ask Akaashi why your father doesn’t seem to like him. The boy vaguely suggests he had exchanged a few words with him about his lack of concern for you, but distracts you before you can press him for more details. He asks if you notice any of his belongings in your room and you spot a white sports jacket with ‘FUKURODANI’ emblazoned in gold on the back on top of your desk. Akaashi tells you to put it on and talks about the times you had borrowed it, until you fall asleep.

Akaashi accompanies you to Fukurodani to clear out the belongings in your locker (the accident happened after final examinations) and perhaps jog your memories a little. You pass by the music room, and ask him about the incident your friends mentioned. He keeps looking ahead but there is suddenly a faint (but very adorable) blush across his cheeks and he stumbles a little on his words. The transformation of his gentlemanly demeanor to a stuttering school boy makes you giggle, but you press him for an answer, more eager now.

“We meet there often. People think I play the piano for you even though I don’t actually know how.”

Apparently he stumbled upon you playing one day, but you had vehemently told him not to tell anyone. Akaashi agreed to keep it a secret as long as he could visit you once in a while. That became every day at lunch, until one day your classmates burst in, randomly playing a game of hide and seek. Akaashi was sitting beside you at the time and when they demanded to know what the two of you were doing in the room, he smoothly stated that he was trying to woo you by playing the piano. You gape at this and he chuckles.

“It wasn’t entirely a lie. I had been trying to woo you for months. I just wasn’t playing the piano.”

You ask if he knows why you didn’t want anyone to know you play, recalling your emotions before you started high school. Akaashi softly answers that your father used to force you to do piano recitals for his company dinners, showing you off like a trophy and putting so much stress on his ‘little prodigy’ that you retaliated by never wanting to perform again. But you had started to miss the music, and hid in the music room during lunch to play. Before he can stop himself, he adds that you’ve wondered if the cause for your parents’ divorce is because you stopped playing the piano.

There is a tension in the air as Akaashi looks annoyed with himself for oversharing. He turns to you, repeating the words he said the night you left the hospital and you are moved by his efforts. You make a joke in an attempt to ease Akaashi, saying that since he knows so much more about you than you do, perhaps the two of you should switch lives instead. He chuckles, and you discover you really like that sound.

As you two continue roaming the hallways, the official setter for Fukurodani’s volleyball team expresses doubts that you’d be able to lead a team of adrenaline junkies, and you retort by questioning how he has not yet learned how to play the piano after so many lunches with you. Akaashi starts at this comeback, which makes you giggle, and the crease between his eyebrows finally disappears. You decide his smirk is best thing you’ve seen today. Suddenly, he grabs your hand and pulls you towards the volleyball gym.

“Come on, let me show you what I _can_ do.”

For about a month, Akaashi calls you almost every night and treats you to regular dates. Each time you meet, he is poised, charming, and considerate, armed with a small bouquet of your favourite magenta lilacs. You always protest at the expense, but he waves it off:

“Lilacs mean first love so, it’s appropriate for me to give them to you.”

It upsets you sometimes that you don’t remember him, because you don’t feel like you are doing anything for him. It also scares you a little how quickly Akaashi predicts your needs (e.g. when you feel like going out, or have a craving for onigiri) even before you’ve realised you have them. When you remark that he’s almost too perfect to be true, he humbly counters that you have gotten angry at him before.

“It’s probably good you don’t remember the events leading up to your accident.”

Akaashi does not elaborate when you ask, and you assume it must have been petty jealousy or something related to school. It seems too far fetched in your mind that you would ever be angry with him, especially when he is being more than wonderful to you.

You begin to clock that Akaashi usually brings you to places and quote events the two of you have experienced as a couple. Out of guilt, you study the album he gave you in order to act like you are gradually recalling bits of your old memories, to make him happy.

One day though, he invites you to watch a friendly match between Fukurodani and Nekoma, which you enjoy tremendously as you watch his lithe figure command a presence amongst the taller players. After the game, you are waiting at the side of the court when the setter of Nekoma calls your name. When you greet him, there is a resting, apathetic expression on his face which matches Akaashi’s, looking only slightly more tired of the world.

“You’re Akaashi’s pianist, right?”

You stammer a little in surprise (yes you play but you haven’t in a while not that you don’t remember but you still like to but how did you-), but he ignores it, muttering quickly under his breath as Akaashi spots and walks over to the two of you:

“You know even if you play the same notes, the music is never exactly like the first time you played it, right?”

Kenma, as you eventually find out is his name, doesn’t even look back when he walks away. Akaashi is curious what his closest friend since Bokuto graduated has to say to you, and you lie that you just don’t remember the Nekoma team captain even though he clearly remembers you. You realise suddenly that this act now comes to you naturally, and Kenma’s words replay in your head. If Akaashi notices your inner turmoil, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he gently wraps his fingers around yours and pulls your gaze with emerald eyes.

You understand then that he would never force you to say anything you were not comfortable sharing, and this kindness only twists the knife in your heart even more.

One morning, your father sends you a text to meet him. It is baffling, but when you text Akaashi about it, the brunette is surprisingly encouraging. It is a short, quiet lunch, but eventually he reveals that Akaashi had made it known to him how much the pressure of his expectations had once affected you. He assures you that his divorce with your mother had nothing to do with your decision, and that if you want to continue music, you should do so without fear of it being tied to him. You are overwhelmed by this gesture, and although you appreciate it, it disturbs you slightly that Akaashi had approached him without consulting you.

When you leave the restaurant, your mother calls, excitement blaring across the phone as she celebrates your application to audition for a music conservatoire in order to rekindle your love for the piano. This is partially true as you have had the _thought_ of doing music again, but you don’t remember telling your mother this, or even applying to schools. You barely collect yourself from your confusion when she also announces that she will be having dinner with friends, so she won’t disturb your dinner with Akaashi. At this point, you become fairly irritated, and quickly dial Akaashi’s number to demand an explanation.

He sounds expectant of your tone, and reasons that since you overthink and are generally a scaredy-cat, he went ahead to get the application form (which he has somehow slipped into your bag) and tell your mother as a way of pushing you. With regards to your father, he does apologise, but again, overpowers you with the logic that you would not have initiated the meeting that would have become paramount to whether you want to commit to a music education. Akaashi says he will meet you at your house when you’ve submitted the form (or not) in the evening and hangs up. You think this is the first time you have ever wanted to slap the boy.

When you return home (after hours of debating and finally submitting the application) you see Akaashi at the door in an ashen blue yukata, looking so handsome all the anger seeps out of you and you swear your heart could squeeze itself to death.

You tell him it is weird to suddenly see him in a yukata and that he looks like a samurai. There is a split second where Akaashi looks stunned at your statement, before he smiles widely. You barely have time to appreciate it before he grabs your hand and leads you to your bedroom.

It is nearly unrecognizable, the bed pushed to the window and desk to the side so there is an open space with a picnic mat. A basket sits in the centre, holding onigiris and magenta lilacs in the basket. There are fairylights blinking across your ceiling, like a makeshift night sky. There is music playing on a small speaker on your bedside table and you recognise the movie theme from _Up_.

It is so beautiful you are afraid speaking would break this magical dream. When you finally find your voice though, the first thing you ask Akaashi is why he chose this song.

“It’s our... It’s the song you were playing on the piano when we first met.”

Then you remember your album: there is a photo of Akaashi wearing the same yukata when the two of you went to the fireworks festival. The ‘picnic under the stars’ event poster. A recipe for the onigiris you two made together after a year of dating.

He was recreating your first anniversary, and you didn’t know. Because you still don’t remember anything.

Akaashi catches your confused expression and realises this before you do. You try to to cover up your confusion with excuses of fatigue, but he just shakes his head and smiles sadly.

“It’s alright. I expected that.”

And, you realise, he truly did. He always manages to accurately predict your behaviour and your actions. As much as you try to do something for him, even if it was lying through your teeth, it would never match the level of _his_ efforts. He leads you to sit, but you remain where you are, swimming in your conflicting emotions. You ask why he did not call you out the few times you pretended to ‘remember’, and he shrugs, stating that he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. You tell him _that_ makes you uncomfortable, the way he goes out of his way to care for you, with no room for you to do the same.

There is a frown as Akaashi struggles to understand why you sound resentful of his affection. You try to explain about your father, the music conservatoire application, this picnic, but you cannot find a nicer word for ‘intrusive’ or ‘interfering’ and end up saying that he’s too perfect for you.

Something about _that_ resonates in the air, and you watch Akaashi blink slowly. As if he was watching a rerun of a bad movie, wishing it would get better but also knowing it won’t.

“I guess... you feel too pressured to be my girlfriend. Again.”

An automatic apology tickles your tongue but as if he predicted it, Akaashi silences you with a raised hand. He tells you gently that he is sorry if you felt you had been forced in a relationship with him, and for over-involving himself with your life. He promises not to do it again, and before you can even understand what he means and what is it you want, Akaashi is gone.

When you finally shake yourself into chasing after him, you find him by the roadside. Akaashi’s back is to you, holding a phone to his ear, gripping it so hard his knuckles are white. His other hand is raised, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. You can hear Bokuto shouting on the other end, asking if he is okay.

“I- I thought I did everything right this time. But it still wasn’t enough.”

There is a twist in your stomach as you suspect that, even in the last three years of forgotten memories, you had never have heard Akaashi so broken before. You can imagine the deep lines in his forehead, face scrunched up in a pain that you want desperately to smooth out.

You hug him from behind, listen to him choke out what sounds like a sob before giving a quick goodbye to Bokuto. You feel the tension of his upper back against your cheek, feeling it stretch across his hunching shoulders. It is quiet except for both your breathing, and when you finally speak, you ask why you got angry at him before.

Akaashi shudders as he inhales, but he tells you the truth: while he was balancing his academic workload with volleyball competitions, you began to feel like he was overworking himself. But he would not let you care for him, and instead found ways to help you in your studies. You had expressed resentment at how he could somehow always cope with anything, that Akaashi didn’t _need_ a girlfriend like you, and messages grew tense, phone calls shortened. On the day of the accident, you were on your way to a music concert that clashed with one of Bokuto’s college matches, which Akaashi always found time to support. Akaashi had thought it would be a nice surprise to join you instead of watching Bokuto, but decided against it because you had told him the night before that you felt the pressure of being perfect whenever you were with him, just as you had with your father. He thought you might want your space.

You never reached the venue.

“I know it was an accident, but I keep thinking what if I’d been with you instead?”

When you feel his large hands hold on to your arms, you let Akaashi pull you until you’re facing him. And you finally see it in his eyes, that Akaashi can’t stand the idea that _he_ miscalculated. That he worries about everything that could go wrong if _he_ doesn’t prepare for it in time. That he is so quick at finding solutions in every situation, because he would only blame _himself_ if he thought he could have done something about it. Akaashi puts the weight of the whole world on his shoulders, but he won’t share even a little bit of it with you.

You suspect this is why you grew resentful before, and tell him to stop assuming he’s responsible for a car accident. You declare Akaashi an egomaniac if he continues to think only he knows what is best, that just because he is an incredibly intelligent setter, he is not in charge of everything outside of his volleyball matches. If you needed the courage to become a pianist, you had to learn to be strong _with_ Akaashi, not _because_ of him. He looks down at his fingers as he contemplates your speech, and you add that while you adore his devotion and his logic, you also cherish him for his awkwardness and his mistakes.

As you say this bit you reach for his cheek, feeling him lean into it with a sigh. You understand he’s been trying to make up for all the animosity that built up between you two, and tentatively add with a small laugh that he doesn’t need to since you don’t remember. Akaashi doesn’t smile, whispering that you still don’t remember the good times you’ve had, and that it’s obvious he still hasn’t learned from his past. The hurt pricks the edges of his pupils and you feel his jaw tighten.

You lift his face until you can hold his gaze, and firmly announce that what’s happening now is more important than before, that this relationship would be much better off looking forward into the future, creating new memories and learning _together_.

The corner of Akaashi’s lips finally tilts into a smirk, and you stop breathing for a second when he relaxes, gazing at you with half lidded eyes. He covers your hand with his, and turns to kiss the inside of your palm.

“So you still want to be with me?”

And you feel his warm breath, his nose grazing the insides of your fingers, the soft touches of his joy. You nod, making a quiet vow to yourself to remember that this happiness is one of the best things you, and only you, can do for Akaashi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love Akaashi so much I actually could not imagine anyone not iNSTANTLY falling in love with him so this is where I fail a human being I think. But hopefully as a writer, I did his character some realistic justice and you enjoyed the (so very) brief pain I put him through.


End file.
